They'll be happy, and each day will store up hilarious and sweet moments for them. When he comes home from work, he'll sit down to a hearty plate of baked salmon brushed with seasoning, buttery mashed potatoes, and a glass of wine. And he'll say it tastes like heaven and that his wife is the best cook in the world, not out of obligation, but from satisfaction deep within his gut.

At social events, they'll simultaneously lock eyes across the room and each will know exactly what the other is thinking. Did you hear what that woman just said? Haha! That guy reminds me of... They'll be professional mind-readers, but only for each other, and for them, every group interaction will be supplemented with their secretively enjoyable flickers of the eye, upturned corners of the mouth, subtle turns of the head and, of course, telepathy.

For Lunar New Year, she'll fry up some sticky brown sugar cake until it's perfectly crispy on the outside and take it to his study room as he finishes up his work on the computer. He'll take off his glasses and sigh heavily and tell her that he doesn't think he'll succeed in his profession, or his project or whatever he's working on at the moment. And she'll also sigh, but in a comforting way, strung with affirming words that make him feel like can conquer the world if he wanted to.

Sometimes he'll look back on their arguments and love the way she spoke gently and chose her words carefully, even though she could have said very hurtful things that many other women (and their power with words) might have blurted out in anger.  She'll remember his birthday, their anniversary, his parents' birthdays, and other special occasions and prepare gifts and events that would make him think, "Wow, this woman really knows me," because she's perfected the art with real integrity and joy for loved ones in the years before their marriage.

Guests will frequent their home and she'll light up the room with her humor and her engaging conversation and make people feel nurtured and welcome like a natural-born hostess would. He will think she's the most precious jewel in all the world and wonder why God let him, of all people, enjoy this life with her. He would never take her for granted because he knows the best thing a man can do is to make a woman feel irreplaceable, and she, in turn, would strengthen him with her grace, compassion, encouragement and perfectly-timed humor.

Foolish. There are certain things that guys should never do or say to a girl. Very, very, foolish things. The following are true accounts:

For one, a guy should never, ever, tell a girl he loves her after 2 weeks of knowing her, and then leave on a plane to a continent in the southern hemisphere a few hours later. Even more foolish than that, this same guy should never, ever, tell a girl that he plans on marrying her someday, and then break his promises to call and write and text her because he’s become too busy with his new job in his continent in the southern hemisphere. The most foolish thing this guy can do is keep telling this girl that he’s still interested, but his mom won’t let him marry her, so that’s the end of the story.

A guy should never, ever, call a girl every day and text her every hour and hold her hand when they go shopping or walking around an amusement park and then tell her, a year or so after doing this, that he has never had feelings for her. Even worse, he should never, ever ask her to come out and visit him in another state for a weekend, knowing she doesn’t know anyone else in that state and that it would take her 5 hours by train to get there, and then spend 2 hours with her over dinner and tell her at the end of it that he just sees them as friends.

A guy should never, ever, assume that a girl means “group hang out” when she asks him to dinner for Valentine’s Day.  When he finds out it’s really just going to be the two of them, he should never, ever ask one of their mutual guy friends to relay the message that he can’t make it to dinner anymore. 

A guy should avoid telling a girl that he’s in love with her: best friend, close girl friend, or biological sister, and dig his grave even deeper by listing all the reasons why that friend, and not the particular girl he’s telling this to, is so amazingly attractive.

When a girl says, “I’m a hardcore teacher,” and a good guy friend responds immediately by saying, “I don’t think I can marry a hardcore teacher,” he should never, ever, be surprised that the girl’s red flags are going up all over the place.

Because this next situation gets confusing with pronouns, I will describe it with names.  Bob’s best friend, Tim, is pursuing their mutual friend Sally. Tim is pursuing Sally, but has not yet successfully “caught” Sally. In this case, Bob should never, ever, assume that Sally becomes a “safe” emotional confidante because she is now “Tim’s girl” (which she is not) and is somehow consequently immune to falling for Bob, Jack, Frederico, or any other guy that is not Tim. This is very, very foolish logic that only foolish men subscribe to.

A guy should also take care to avoid superlatives. You are my “best” girl friend. You are my “closest” friend of the opposite gender. You are the person I trust the “most.” I wouldn’t tell this to “just anyone.” According to Woman Dictionary, these all translate to “you are really special to me, very possibly in a romantic way.”

If you are a foolish man, please raise your hand silently now, in front of your glowing computer screen. You have been very, very foolish. I shake my finger at you. Chances are, the girl you hurt either still remembers, hurts from, or even bitterly resents you and your foolish choices. Good luck with mending that one (This is not a cruel joke. I really can’t tell you how, unless she is my very close friend, in which case you have permission to ask me about it).   And yes, you need to mend it.  Just be thankful that God has bigger and better things for her (yes, that jab was meant to be subtle). Now place your hand over your heart and make a wholehearted vow to never, ever, be a foolish man again.  This, friend, is the smartest thing you can ever do.

1.
Anita: "Whoa, I almost thought that bird was a kite."
Tony: "Umm, that IS a kite."

2.
Anita: "Haha, that guy is looking at the fire hydrant."
Anne: "That's a woman."

3.
Anita: "Hey there's something in your hair. Oh wait, that's your ear."

4.
Anne: "Hey Rita, sit on that chair." (points to baby chair)
Rita: "I will." (sits) "Challenge accepted."

5.
Rita: "It's not like they [horses] can gul-LOP, gul-LOP after you."
Anne: "You mean gallop?"

6.
Eric (ref. to Rita's shirt): "You made it yourself?"
Rita: "Yes. I made it by candlelight last night."

7.
(Anne accidentally pokes herself in the eye with a boy sheep doll)
Rita: "Haha. He RAMmed you in the eye!"

8.
Anonymous Brazilian male: "Fat women are everywhere. They're like a virus."

9.
Tran: "Oh my gosh, did I just hit the curb?! Why did we stop?" (looks around) "Oh, I'm pressing on the brake."

10.
Anne (reads from a license plate holder): "BEAN organ donor?! What the heck is that?"
Tran: "There's a space."

11.
Rita: "Esther, have I ever seen you flirt with anybody before?"
Esther: "But we always hang around Chinese people. There's nothing to flirt with."

12.
Rita: "Symbiosis is when two people work better together. So what is it called when people work better apart from each other?"
Esther: "Ambiosis."

13.
Rita: "Do you guys flick people like this?" (demonstrates her flick)
Anne: "No. That's called flicking people off."

My sister, Alice, thinks I'm the coolest person ever. Some of her best "lifter-upper" quotes are shelved in my memory and I'll take them down and replay them once in a while (or record them in blogs, such as this one), just so I can feel a little more extra-special inside. I call these my "Alice quotes" (catchy, no?):

(after I fall off my chair)
"Yeah, not doing things like that will really help your social life. Sometimes I think you really bring it upon yourself."

"That's really nasty."
"What is?"
"That you just did that."
(after I tried to bust-a-move)

"Hey, I had a dream last night that I was watching Planet Earth, and there was this --"
"I think you're pretty socially unacceptable right now."

I love you, too, sister.

Edit:
(Thanksgiving Day)
"Alice, you know how I keep a quote thing of you--?"
"Wait, I'm not listening." (walks out of room)

Happy Thanksgiving!